Thursday, July 31, 2014

It Must Be Menopause... I'm Wanting Desperately To Escape Wonderland!!!

Lately I've found myself on the spectrum of behavior and moods so Manic that it must be Monopause!?!   And I'm beginning to Wonder... how long does this Menopause Thing last!?!  Good Lord it seems as though I've been moving thru it forever already... does it take up ALL the Senior Years to get past it!?!  I want to feel like Myself again and not this all over the place version that often makes me feel like I'm losing it and scheming to Escape Wonderland!

Because with it comes some very Extreme Thinking about Profound Issues I find myself constantly wrestling with during this Aging Process.   And it's not at all like a Mid-Life Crisis Realm of Thought Process, because I'm far past Mid-Life now, well, unless I Live to be a Hundred And Twenty Something that is?!?  *Winks*   This is more in the Realm of Embracing, or at least trying to... that what I used to be able to do with ease... well, it ain't so easy anymore.  No matter how Gung Ho I am... and if I'm not at all Gung Ho about whatever it is... well, you can only Imagine!  *Smiles*  I know that I am also just feeling the Constraints holding me back from doing anything much other than what Full Time unpaid Caregiving requires!

 Source: Pinterest
 I don't Feel Ancient enough in Mind or Spirit to give in totally to my Body Feeling that perhaps I shouldn't be trying to do so much anymore and maybe the Pace is too much and I've got to just let some things Go.   You know, just not do them... even if  it's making me Crazy to see them being left undone.  Since there's nobody else to do them if I don't and I'm not resigned yet to being comfy in Chaos.  The rest of the Crew seems to be totally comfy in the Chaos they Create... and that doesn't Help me reign in the Beast within that wants to get out and react!  *LOL* 

 And so I continue this Quest to Simplify Life even more than I'm presently {and most unsuccessfully} attempting to in this whole Downsizing, Editing, Purging, Curating, Minimalizing Thing I've begun in earnest.  It seems the Sane and Logical thing to do at this Season of Life and due to our particular Life Circumstances which weren't 'Chosen' and make for me running continuous damage control around this Old House behind the three Merry Muskateers I'm Caring for.

And yet even with too much to do that I don't relish... I've still got all these Dreams and Projects that I'm Excited about... and Opportunities Galore... even tho' many of them are in a state of Limbo presently since Life just keeps getting in the way of Dreams, Projects and Opportunities that I'm Excited about getting to do... one day... I Hope??!??!!  

 And so comes the other end of the spectrum as the pendulum swings in the opposite direction... of being harshly confronted with limitations and Constraints that are holding me back and anchoring me down... all of them beyond my Control. Things preventing me from reaching full Potential for those things I'm longing and aching to just DO and could still do to ease so many burdens we deal with daily.  Knowing you could... but can't... is torturous because you're so torn and conflicted about your role.  It's like asking a Racehorse to just be a Show Pony and give rides in a limited and dizzy array of circles daily!  


It is very, very demoralizing to have Opportunities knock and get Excited about, only to have to let them each Pass By because you cannot accept most, or sometimes any of them right now.  Because if not now, then when?  Tick tock tick tock there is a limited window of opportunity for most things to be Acted upon with any measure of meaningful Success.

I'm languishing Professionally... and that can be really hard for a Type A Personality that Succeeds easily doing things that bring in a Paycheck.  And yet on the Home Front there is always so much that needs to be done that I don't really relish doing all by my lonesome either.  I'm not opposed to Work, or even Volunteer Status Work, I rather Enjoy it actually and have done Paid and Unpaid Work all my Life with Joy.   Call me Crazy but I'm a Worker Honey Bee that receives great Satisfaction from getting things done and making a difference in her World.   But I do want them to STAY done for a minute and not turn into a Killer Bee protecting her hive and all her hard diligent Work from emminent destruction by other occupants of the hive! *Smiles*

I sometimes muse if Killer Bees aren't just tired Old Honey Bees going thru Menopause too?  It would certainly explain their very predictable unpredictable behavior and reactions to anything being a threat to their Space and disturbing their Peace!  *Winks*   I'd often be an angry scary swarm if there was more than one of me!

And when I cannot get an infusion of those Activities that Restores my Reserves and I have an appetite for... depleted me isn't very Lovely or at her shiny bright best.   I haven't even been Joyously Junquing and withdrawal is setting in with no for sure 'Fix' in sight!  There are 'Fixes' on the immediate Horizon, like Art Unraveled and some of my Monthly Pilgrimage Events... but whether or not I can actually go is always a last minute prospect since things around here are subject to change without notice and can turn on a dime! 

I don't like to get my Hopes up and then have them dashed... so I try not to think upon those Invitations extended that I cannot yet commit to even though I'm scheming madly about how to make it happen?!?  The Great Wonderland Escape Plan!!! *Winks*  Sometimes I think Escaping Wonderland Successfully is like Escaping Alcatraz Successfully... I need Sean Connery... and not just for Escape Purposes!  *LOL* 

It will be a Year early next Month that The Man had his catastrophic accident and added Traumatic Brain Injury to his resume of disabilities that have been a Life Changer, so much so that he now needs Full Time Caregiving.   Though his Recovery Process has been nothing short of Miraculous, we've all had to Grieve who he Was and accept who and how he now Is.  A Year out and great strides have been made... enough so that I can be lulled into thinking there could be more Restoration and our Lives could be Normal one day?

  Those stages of Grief about what has been Lost have been without a time frame for each of us... they just take however long each step takes for us all.  I can move thru my Stages at least with some Understanding of The Process I'm going thru... with the G-Kid Force it hasn't been so easy.  Lets face it, those Kiddos have their own burdens and Crosses to bear without Grandpa or Gramma being a Hot Mess on top of it all!  And dealing with other Grieving peeps can be more brutal than moving thru Grief alone actually... I can Deal with my own Grief and ME... Dealing with the effects of how others are Coping, or NOT, can be a particular Challenge I'm not always up to.

Dealing with a Brain Damaged Senior, a Bipolar Teenager and a Moody Strong-Willed Eight Year Old little Girl... all deeply Grieving as well about what has been Lost or Changed in their World can some days be my own Personal Hell and make me want to run away and join the Circus for Real!!!  I don't have any Magic to make it all Okay... and some days I'm so NOT Okay myself but there's nobody to really tell it to, except maybe you guys.   Those are the days where I need my little Slice of The Land of Blog to be my forum of just Keeping It Real and be what it needs to be for me right now... a dumping ground of sorts to cast it out there into cyberspace in Written Form... those things that Wound the Spirit and Crush the Soul at times.  Just acknowledging Feelings and FEELING them without the stuffing down.

Things that are in stark contrast to pretty pictures and the Fluff of Life I also Love Blogging about... things that Feed the Soul and bouy the Spirit.  Happy, Delightful, Cheerful things that make Life worth Living and Blogging about it so much FUN, even when you're on a Rollercoaster that is Life.  I know I bought the ticket so I'm on for the whole ride regardless of where it's taking me.  So I might as well hold on for dear Life and Enjoy the ride, snatching whatever passes by that is worth grabbing onto to make the ride tolerable during the turbulent twists and turns that threaten to derail you.  And I decided long ago that I Blog for myself first, and anyone else who happens to show up can decide if the Content is what they're looking for day to day or not?  I know the Hard Reads aren't so Frivolous and Fun... but they do often Minister to some other Tortured Souls as well like a balm, so it's all Good in the end.

In a Perfect World and Life it would ALL be Rainbows and Unicorn Farts... I can't paint that picture because it is not accurate and I'm just not that adept at painting a rosy picture that isn't based on Reality whatsoever... I'll leave that up to the Fictional Writers.   I've always been inclined to prefer Non-Fiction anyway, I can relate to it better and it always seems to have more depth and Character than Fiction in my humble opinion.   Since Fictional Characters and their Story don't really Exist I find it hard to Connect to any of them, but maybe thats just me, I dunno?  Fiction is Fun but I am not buying into any of it as Reality-Based, no matter how Well the Story is told.

Next month, along with The Man's Accident Anniversary, will also be the Young Prince's Birthday... and mine... it's gotta be a better Celebration than last Year... since the Accident occurred ON the poor Young Prince's Birthday Celebration Day!!!  And given the circumstances six days later I didn't have a Celebration or Feel very Celebratory at all on my own Birthday either!   Our Family is moving thru some Important Decisions right now as well... and we're Hoping to make the very best Choices given the Options.  So lotsa Heavy Stuff... along with Pretending things are Swell and Normal when they're clearly NOT, just so the Crew here feel more Secure that Yours Truly is keeping it together and holding it down... Denial can be a nice place to hang out in order to keep one's head on straight at times!!!

And I do Feel rather Proud of myself for sticking with the Bloggy Thing thru it all... even tho' in recent Months I haven't Felt much like a Blogger anymore and began to Question why I was still bothering to Blog at all?  After careful re-assessment I realized it was because it still Serves it's Purpose and I wouldn't Feel quite right without it, without the Visits... and the Wonderful Community within it... and the Joy it still brings me Artistically and as a way to Share certain Passions that only others like me probably even Care about one iota!  *LOL*  And also to Share the Pains and Sorrows... because this is still way Cheaper than Therapy my Friends!  *LOL*

And even perhaps because you might miss me too... and these tumbles down my Mad Bohemian Rabbit Hole?  Because who didn't Enjoy Alice's Mad Surreal Adventures and the Crazy Cast of Characters?  It is rather Entertaining, Enchanting and Fun, and especially if it isn't you!   *Ha ha ha!!!*    I Confess, what Alice went thru was like a bad Acid Trip so it's just as well she was a Fictional Character... or maybe she wasn't REALLY??!!  In which case I'd want to meet the Real Alice and get tips on Surviving Wonderland!   *Winks*   I don't know that I'd want her particular Adventures in Real Life... it was even Crazier and more bizaare than Mi Vida Loca and it's Cast of Characters!?!  I know, guess that's subjective really, huh?  *Bwahahaha!!!*

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Going Back In Time

Time can go by so fast... sometimes I don't even recall just how much time has gone by until I revisit some of my Photo Archives to see what Images I never used as I'm seeking out Blog Post Eye Candy... and then realize... damn... was it THAT long ago that I was THERE?!?   And BTW... if this Fab Vintage Linoleum was still in production, I'd buy it and lay it down in some of my rooms!

But I digress... already... {Winks}... we're talking about going back in Time... at least in reviewing Images Captured thru the Eye of the Lens that remind us of times Past and allow us to Revisit them again visually.   I don't know about you, but I always come across those Images that remind me of places I need to revisit for Real... because it's been too long between visits.

Or perhaps even those People you haven't seen in a while and spent enough quality time with in far too long already.

Or maybe even those Treasures that Got Away... you know... the ones you left behind and thought about returning to procure... and never did... either because you just forgot... Life got in the way... or they were Sold by the time you did return.

I think every Avid Junquer has those Moments of Quiet Reflection about going back in Time to Review places that hold particular Promise of Awesome Scores... Junquing Buddies you haven't gone on an Adventure with in a while... or things you shouldda-wouldda-couldda 'Scored' and didn't!

I find myself Revisiting and going back in Time visually when I'm Contemplating something that is a stretch for me... and I'm on the fence about whether to step out and Act... or not.   Today is one of those days in fact... and though the decision isn't firmly formulated yet... and is still perculating in my Head and Heart... it Helps actually to Revisit Other Times.   Because Past Victories... or Missed Opportunities... or Indecisive Moments that are behind me... often Assist me in the decision making process about a Present decision that I'm completely indecisive about.

You see, I'm Cautious by Nature... even though I'm a Free Spirit and Wild Card almost all of the time by Nature too... and that juxtaposition of Character Traits can often leave me quite Conflicted about the bigger decisions I'm Contemplating.   I tend to keep the bigger decisions to myself as well, since it's important for me to figure it out without a lot of well-intended input from outside sources which will just leave me... well... MORE Conflicted and Indecisive in fact!   *LOL*

The Man, being my Life Partner... is the exception to that Rule... neither of us makes big decisions without the input of the other... though truly he will leave most big decisions I'm Contemplating up to me and my discretion... knowing I won't move forward without weighing every Pro and Con there could possibly be first and not acting upon pure Impulse or Emotion.  I know he'll be Supportive in whatever I decide... but he also knows me well enough to know when I WANT to move forward, but am hesitating because I don't want to risk the wrong choice either.

Very few things are a Sure Thing in Life after all and since I'm not much of a risk-taker I have to feel totally Comfortable about the level of risks I'm taking in any bigger decision.   The decision could even seem like small potatoes to most folks... but if for me it's Big... then I will often Agonize a bit... or sometimes more than a bit... before deciding for sure which direction to go... or not go.

I know that I'll eventually have a Peace about whatever I decide... I'm just perculating on it just now... and going back in time for a moment in order to get me to the place I need to be on either Acting or Passing on the Opportunity presented.

Will I let you all in on whatever it is... perhaps... I'm still Considering that as well.   Some things I'm doing just for me and I don't always feel a need to Share.   I'm sure you feel that way too about some things you're Considering or Decide upon... especially if it's not a trifle.

And at the very least I've been given an Opportunity for something I'd LIKE to Consider Acting upon... even if I don't...  only a little bit of time will tell whether I'll have any regrets about what I decide upon either way.   And my Hope of coarse is that I have no regrets at all.

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Junquing Bonanza And Great Ideas

I Love it when you're not even seriously looking for a Bargain and you stumble upon a Junquing Bonanza anyway, don't you?

Yes I'm always in the Market for small Gator Heads to put into Vignettes if they're the right price... this little Guy certainly was so he joined the Gator Head Collection ever expanding at Bohemian Valhalla!   The Man jokes that I'm probably 'Scoring' more Gators here in the Arizona Desert than the dudes on 'Swamp People' are in the Louisiana Bayou!?  *Winks*  My Acquisitions are much Safer!  *LOL*

And when I spied this Original 1960's Carpet Bag I Assumed it would be pricey... so Imagine how Elated my Boho Spirit was to find that it was only FOUR DOLLARS!!!  Was that a mistake I Wondered?  Nope, only four bucks... I couldn't get it in my cart quick enough!  *LOL*

It's large and in pristine condition for it's Age... the Authentic Persian Rug it's Created from is a Lovely Design and in some of my Fav Hues for Carpet Bags... SCORE!!!

I am always on the lookout to Source Vintage Religious and Spiritual Collectibles and Art for my Showrooms.  So I was totally Jazzed to find two of these Lovely Vintage Hand Painted Wedding Anniversary Catholic Presentation Pieces of Ephemera with Amazing Hand-Written Calligraphy for Showroom One-Thirty-Three.  I 'Scored' them for a mere Quarter apiece, Booyah!!!

I Love Vintage Ephemera of every type and this Style of Calligraphy is off the hook Amazing!  Anyone who is an Avid Collector of Vintage Religious Ephemera will Love them... this piece was even still Framed.

Now, these Mannequin Heads weren't for Sale but I talked to the Vendor who had them in their Display for Vintage Hats and they 'Scored' them for FREE at a Yard Sale!!!  They are the inexpensive styrofoam type of Hat Mannequin, but I thought this was a Great Idea to Hand Paint these types when you need an inexpensive yet Lovely Display.  So I'm definitely gonna do this since I always have a shortage of Vintage Mannequin Heads to Display my Vintage Hats since I Sell the Heads quickly.

Simple Art Job but quite Lovely... and Personally, I'd put a price on mine and just keep rotating them as they Sold since you could knock these out quickly to replace your Displays.  I Learned quickly not to put too many NFS Display pieces in the Showrooms because Customers would always want to buy them and I hated saying No... but its not so easy to replace them... so I'm always looking for Solutions to that Problem.   And I like to have a large Inventory of Vintage Hats because they Sell and Display so well... and what's more Fun than Vintage Hats, right?!  *Smiles*  I think I'd also Style mine with Vintage Bohemian Bling Accents just for Fun and to Gypsify them sufficiently.  *Winks*

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

Monday, July 28, 2014

Freedom Calls!

School will resume very soon... in fact this will be the last week that the G-Kid Force will be Home for Summer Break.   I think it's TIME... for us all!!!   *Smiles*   Yes, boredom has begun to set in to their Summer routine and even though they Enjoy their Friends and the Freedom Summer Break brings for them, they've begun to get fussier and anxious to return to their Campus Activities!   It's just a larger Social Pool at School!

The Young Prince is particularly Excited because he will be a Freshman in High School this year, so his Pool will be Expanding to a bigger one than Jr. High afforded him.   He's already deep into Band Camp Activities they're Hosting on his High School Campus before School resumes and meeting New Friends who share similar Passions, Style and Interests.  He's been diligently practicing twirling a large six foot Flag so his budding Man Muscles are getting quite the Workout!   *LOL*

Princess T is becoming ever more Obsessed about the Fashion Accessories she wants to pick out to give her boring School Uniform Ensembles that Flair of Individuality and Style that she LIVES for!  *Winks*   I for one am Grateful that the Young Prince no longer has to wear School Uniforms so that it cut my pre-school Clothing Allowance Budget and outlay in half this year.  *Whew*  He was Jazzed to Inherit all of Gramma's Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier T-Shirt Collection for his own Wardrobe, he looks better in them anyway since they were Men's Shirts after all!  *Smiles*  Hard to Believe he's already wearing my size Adult Men's T-Shirts though and grown inches taller than me this Summer!

And as for me... Freedom Calls!!!   It's not as if I'll be gallivanting all over the place each day after I get them off to School and have the Welcome Respite of a Morning and portion of the Afternoon without a G-Kid Entourage and the Caregiving duties of Raising them.  But I will have the Divine Freedom to do what those in my Senior Season of Life tend to Enjoy best... often just putzing around my Garden, Home and Studio without constant Interruption.   Doing my everyday Shopping without an Entourage of Minors in tow.   Taking Artistic Classes with my Friends or just meeting them for Breakfast or Lunch unencumbered.  The Simple Pleasures many Empty Nesters Enjoy and could take for Granted at this Season of Life as their Normal Routine.

Now, it's not as if I'm Forgetting The Man... because these more Leisurely Childless Days when School resumes will also mean more Quality Time Together just Enjoying each other's Company and getting out as a Couple doing what we like to do, as his Health permits.   It can be a bit much for him to have an Entourage of the G-Kid Force in tow during Outings and so typically I'll take them along to just give him a Break from them... and he'll opt to stay Home and relish having our Home all to himself!  *Smiles*

But it will also mean more Girl Time with my Friends doing what we like to do too.  Even my Younger Friends tend to Enjoy their Time Alone without their Kiddos in tow all the time.  When you find yourselves talking in Kid-Speak even when the Kiddos aren't around you know you've not had quite enough Adult Time for Socialization!  *LOL*   And my Senior Friends can now Invite me to Activities they all do because I won't be towing a Young-Un or two along to our get-togethers!  *Smiles*   It's True, Groups of Seniors do not usually want Children in their midst when they're having Adult get-togethers... most just Enjoy their Grandchildren for short Joyful Times Together.   It's not a Given that theirs will always be at their side if they're not Raising them too and have to come along to Invitations extended by their Peers.

I've never Personalized that Fact, it just is what it is and Custodial G-Parents just tend to find themselves in a sort of Social Limbo at times where their Lives seem to have more in Common with Young Parents than their own Peers.   Thus you find more commonality to befriend and hang-out more frequently with those who are of the Generation of your own Children than your other Retired Friends or those at your Season of Life who are now Worlds apart in what transpires in Daily Life.  I have found that to be a Blessing in Disguise actually since my Younger Friends are more Interested in what I have Passions for and don't find my Aesthetic quite so Strange!   Well, maybe a little bit, but they can Roll with it and Appreciate it better lets say!  *LOL*
And their Children and our Grandchildren we're Raising can become fast Friends as well and know that Kids are mostly and generally Welcome when we get together and not just tolerated.  And for the G-Force I feel it's Important not to have to always hang out with Old People, but also Friends of mine who are closer in age to what their Parents Season of Life is, I feel that Exposure is beneficial.   Though to be sure the G-Kid Force Adore the other Seniors that Gramma and Grandpa know since they are Old Souls for their tender ages, and my Senior Friends totally ROCK and tend to also be other Artsy Free-Spirited Boho Souls.  *Smiles*   But probably also because they're being Raised by... Old People... and so they 'Get that Generation' better than the Average Kid whose Exposure to us Seniors is more limited?!   *LOL*
Though it can be tough for The Force when your Kinship Guardian Grandparents don't always have it in them to do what you like to do too!   Grandpa mostly and generally can no longer do any of it at all... and Gramma tries to keep up and Enthused about G-Kid Passions and Interests... but lets face it... her days of playing on Playgrounds at the Park... enjoying Meals at McDonalds... Taxi-ing a bunch of Teenagers to their Host of Social Engagements... and hanging out with their very Young Friends en-mass are mostly and generally behind her!  *Bwahahaha!!!*  And so School provides that Space where they can be Kids and do what Kids Love to do with OTHER KIDS and not an Aging Guardian who really isn't all that 'Into It' anymore!  *Winks*

Yeah, Gramma would rather be on a Cruise somewhere... or putzing around the Garden, Studio and Home uninterrupted... Lollygagging at her Favorite Haunts... or just taking a Nap!  *Smiles*   Which now, at least for five Mornings and early Afternoons after this Week... I can do some of that... well, except for the Cruise part!  *Winks*   But I can Dream of that... and build the Anticipation of actually DOING it perhaps a Decade or more from now... when I've got all the Kiddos Raised... and Freedom won't just be Calling occassionally, but Hopefully be more of my Daily Reality. 

Blessings from the Arizona Desert... Dawn... The Bohemian

A life touched by God always ends in touching others. - Erwin McManus

I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars. - Og Mandino (1923-1996)

For creativity to flourish one should try to look at everything as though it were being seen for the first or the last time. - Quote from "A Thousand Paths To Creativity" by David Baird

Is what I'm about to say an improvement on silence? ~ Galen Pearl